jadoresara

Fit like a glove.

2008-10-05T21:09:48Z

I've been busy, very busy. School has started and my life has been consumed by that and work, pathetic I know. I'm beginning to miss the summer, a lot. I just miss being free and not worrying about school work or what I have to wear and waking up early. Oh man, I'm so not a morning person haha. Anyways, I've been thinking a lot. This past weekend was so good, on Friday I was in Nyc until 1 in the morning and I loved it. It really made me feel like the city is where I want to be, and on Saturday- Katie picked me up from work and surprised me by bringing Kurt along. He's so sweet, he brought us around to all these neat places. We went to the Inkwell first and had coffee with Alex and Lexi, that was lovely. But anyways, Kurt brought Katie and I to all these places.. places that made me think and were so peaceful and in the middle of nowhere. We went onto this rooftop and walked around it, the building was an old abandoned one and it was just so cool. He showed us some of his friends tags. It was really, really rad. Katie and I had gotten home at 1:30 in the morning and it was just so worth it. If I could do that every single night, I would.
I really just love the smell of fall. I just want to move on from high school and be done with it. I really am ready to graduate. Everyone says it's like two whole different worlds when it comes to college and high school, and I can totally see why. Although, I do have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I've realized that.. that's okay. I shouldn't rush anything, I should take my time and actually figure out what I want to do and let whatever happen.. to happen. Mere comes home this coming week, I really am really excited to see her. I miss my best friend, it's about time she come home. I might be going there in a month or so, we'll see. Everything else just seems like a blur. But I can at least say, I've been really content with my self and my life. It just really feels so content to say that, and mean it. I haven't written in here in awhile, when I told myself I would. Ugh. Heather is sending me a package sometime soon.. and I have yet to get it. I've been really excited about it though. I'm hoping it comes monday or tuesday. I don't have school on thursday, or next monday. Cannot wait for that. I'm cutting my hair on thursday, I'm excited. I feel like; I have so much to look forward to and that I'm not just doing the same things over and over again.
When someone tells you something, take whatever they have to say.. no matter what it is into consideration and don't just listen. Breathe it in, through-out your whole body. When you realize what people are saying to you, that's when you know you're a good person. I'm sick of people talking about others as well. If you really feel the need to tell someone how you feel about them, don't hide it. Or at least be nice to them. After working with all girls, you really realize that is all they do. Speaking of Forever 21, I've been working there for almost 7 months now and I have yet to get even my 6 month raise. They still owe me a check, also. It really sucks, never work retail hahah.
Anyways, I've been reading & watching Margaret Cho a lot lately. I love her. She's hilarious. Speaking of her, and the election. It's interesting. Progress '08, Obama fo' yo mama. (;
Lastly, there's a certain someone(totally not mentioning any names because I'm sure when he reads this, he's going to figure it out.) But he's back in my life, and I couldn't be any happier. When I talk to him- my heart sores and my stomach flutters into my throat. I missed this feeling, but I missed him more. I care for you more than you'll ever know. I haven't stopped loving you, and I don't think I ever will. <3.

Recently:

Sleep deprived.

2008-08-19T06:16:10Z

I'm so tired and depressed, mentally and physically. I really realized I have absolutely no motivation to do a damn thing anymore, absolutely none. But I've realized I need to change.. quickly. I'm not sure, but it's got to happen soon and I'm going to do whatever I can to make it happen. I haven't written in a really long time, and you know I kept telling myself I was going to but I never got the chance and I'm thinking it's because I didn't know what to say and I know I don't want to just ramble everywhere but I know it's going to happen because I'm currently doing so. hmph.
I'm so fucking nervous about school, I've been shitting my pants this whole damn summer. I'm just so nervous for my future, I think that really is all I'm scared of. I don't know where I'll be or where I'm even going right now.. and it freaks me out. I have so many plans for myself, but I don't merely adapt myself as much as I should be especially with all these aspirations of mine. So much to do and so little time I have. My schedule got screwed up so now it all has to be re-done. I'm so over it, I cannot wait to graduate. I've decided my heart is destined for Paris, no if's and's or but's. I want to fall in love with a French man and never come back home, ever. I sound like such a little girl when I say that ahahah.
Lamesauce. Tonight I saw someone, and I'm really glad I did. I missed him.. a lot. I know he's still waiting for me to come back, but I don't know. I tried talking to him tonight but my phone is equivalent to dirt so I don't think it got through to him. Oh well. I've decided I'm just not going to get my hopes up anymore because if something doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. I need to keep being slightly optimistic until I feel well enough to fully gain everything back within myself. But I don't see it occurring anytime soon. Anyways, this was really all over the place. Take care, I'm going to have a legit update sometime soon.. promise.

"Let it go. Let time erase the roads you never chose. There'll be more. There's far too many to ever know." Oh Cowalker, what would I do without you.

Currently:

Shampoo Suicide.

2008-07-15T02:52:32Z

Please, let me be the first to say - I will never judge, or even misjudge someone or something without ever fully knowing them or examining them with my own eyes. Let me tell you how many times I have encountered someone telling me something about someone, when it's not even right. The human race disgusts me. I'm moving to Paris, that's it. Anyways, I've been feeling a bit inspired. I'm starting my 365 photography project tomorrow, really can't wait. Heather got my letter today, wasn't expecting it to come today. She loved it, I'm happy. I've been reading Leaves Of Grass every night, amazing. I may just blurb a bit here; and write a little story-poem type thing. Blah. It's not going to be too good, I haven't wrote in a long time. So here it goes ..

...Beginning: I don't know where to start, I don't know where to go or anything really. I walked into the Bookstore like I do every first day of each month, and there he is I saw him for the first time in months, he looked so delightful his eye's were the bluest shade of grey I had ever seen, even bluer than I could ever remember. I had told myself time and time again that I would go up to him and not pansy-out.. but then I remembered... I'd have no chance and his girlfriend would find out. His camera at his side, his pen and notebook, and his book of Lunch Poems. My heart was thumping, thumping, thumping. I was reciting sayings in my head of how I would introduce myself..I couldn't.. I could not find anything in myself to just.. do it. How pathetic, I thought. He's probably waiting for me, well more like her. I was so fixated, I wanted to know more, I wanted to keep following him in every other aisle hoping he'd drop a book or something.. and that would be my que... suddenly I hear someone walking behind me "no it can't be" I say to myself.. "I noticed you were walking the other way, I saw you out of the corner of my eye", he smiled so slyly. I crushed, I stuttered, I stammered; whatever you want to call it. My knees were so wobbly, I think that was the worst part. If only I could wake up each day feeling the same, as I did that morning. I was so mesmerized by the fact that he was talking to me.. he saw me! We talked, we chatted, we told each other we'd like to get to know more about ourselves. Best part is, we finished each-others sentences, and giggled at the same little remarks and mistakes. I haven't felt this good in so long. End.

That was so bad, whatever. It feels good writing again, like legit writing. Anyways, where had I left off on my rant? I'm almost done with summer school, this whole NJVHS crap is the easiest thing I've ever taken. My midterm is on Wednesday, wish me luck. Haha. Nah, fish. After all this is done, I think I'm going to feel much better, and not have to worry about stupid teachers who preach during class. Asshole. I loathe days like today, when all you do is sit around and do nothing and wait until it's time for you to leave the house and do something good with yourself for once. Like I said up above, I'm starting my 365 project, it's going to be so legit I really can't wait. I'm trying to find a cheap keyboard, for like 300 dollars max so I can learn and sing. It's going to be wonderful. I need to go to the Bookstore so very badly, I'm going to be able to speak fluent French by the time the summer is over.. hold me on that one. I promise. Anyways, I have to peace. Take care.

Currently :

Head To Shoulders.

2008-07-08T06:17:09Z

From my head to my toes, I feel like I'm knee deep in a swimming pool of anxiety. Every single day, I'm doing the same things over and over and over and over and over and I'm not fond of it. I really have been thinking about .. a lot. I love thinking, my mind is like something yours probably wouldn't even be able to process.. it's like taking a blender and putting every single word in the world and mixing it together.. it's like an endless process of moving. I can't even comprehend it half the time to be quite honest. But what I do know is, I'm sick and I'm tired of being so vulnerable all the time with everything that I do or even say. I'm not the type of person someone just picks up and throws away.. nor was I born that way either. I want to meet people of pureness, people who are smart, and live and love. I'm sick of putting myself around people who just .. do nothing. My 3rd of July was really good, actually the best one yet. My 4th of July I did nothing.. weird. Lex and I had a picnic it was way cute (if I do say so myself). But, on the bad side Trevor left me a couple days ago to go on tour with CIWWAF and he won't be back until mid-august I'm guessing and I'm really going to miss him, he's someone who means a lot to me in so many ways and we've been through a lot and it's really bothering me that so many people are leaving me this summer. Seriously, don't get me wrong I'm so glad he gets to go away for awhile.. by all means he needs it more than anything.. and I just I guess I wish I was there with him like I was two days before he left. He's the best guy I know, and I love him so much. Oh man. Such a bummer. Anyways, My mom and I have been getting really close, I'm really really happy about that. I've been staying up past 2am each night and it has yet to take a toll on me.. I have to fix that. Haha. This is such a lame rant. I want to meet a guy.. this summer is fucking horrible. I feel like I'm on a never ending ferris wheel. I get my braces off in like 3 weeks, yeaaaah! Anyways, someone with some fiber.. or who's an actual human being... I'd love to meet. None of this make sense. Whatever.

Recent :

2008.

2008-06-26T19:49:06Z

I'm going to start writing in here, at least once or twice a week. I've been a mess, my heart is weaker than it's ever been. My best friend left me to rot this summer in New Jersey while she's falling in love in New Orleans. I'm working at Forever 21 and the register is kicking my ass. I'm not really sure what to do anymore, I almost flunked Sophomore year and I graduate in two. I miss my brother, he's living in Nyc for the summer. My mom found out I'm depressed, and she's been treating me like a fucking two year old. She thinks I'm not going to last long, and I'm not going to ever be myself again. I have never in my life been this lonely before. I had this amazing chocolate milk today, forgetting I'm severely lactose intolerant. Fuck.

Day 1 :

Like Foxes Through Fences.

Tell me secrets.

2007-04-12T19:04:44Z

Tell me secrets
Tell me your thoughts about me.
Tell me anything you'd like.
You can keep it anonymous or you don't have to.
:]